How To Stop An Inner Bashing!
The most important of the 10-Steps to Intermediate is Step 9, Resolving Inner Conflicts. Although each step is needed and imperative, until you have practiced the basic skill of Inner Conflict Resolution (ICR) to completion at least a few times, there is no use to even attempt intermediate Self-Parenting.
When I first began teaching this was not a problem. As “live” S/P students continued to work through the 10-Steps they would naturally just incorporate these principles. In this new era of “social media” where everyone is addicted to their phones in the same way as slot machines, it seems that fewer people who attempt Self-Parenting are getting past this basic step.
Lately I’ve spoken with practitioners of 3 & 4 years that never even attempted an Inner Conflict resolution, which honestly breaks my heart. I blame myself.
There is one major stumbling block on the way to resolving Inner Conflicts. Most of the time, people who attempt their first few “Inner Conflicts are really dealing with an “Inner Bashing.” Since there are no “needs” behind an Inner Bashing, they can’t really follow the rest of the steps, and basically, they give up on the process. They don’t contact me for technical support, and thus forever remain at the level of a beginner for however long they continue this practice.
Listen carefully Self-Parenting practitioners and consulting clients. You need to do 15-20 Inner Conflicts, before you actually learn how they work and get good at it. There are no shortcuts. All 8-Steps, 15-20 times. Whoever you are, whatever your level of experience in consciousness and mind studies, it will take you 15-20 Inner Conflicts before you get it right. I believe a United Nations negotiator who knows these steps cold as an outer conflict resolution specialist, would still have the same issues if he/she were Self-Parenting his/her Inner Conflict. It's just the nature of the beast.
The good news? Once you get it right, you’ll be resolving Inner Conflicts so quickly and easily, it won’t even be something you have to think about. But until then, each of your early efforts are going to be painful.
It occurred to me, I need to explain what to do when you encounter an "Inner Bashing." If you don't recognize and handle it correctly you’ll never get to an Inner Conflict in the first place.
Let’s say that you are just starting out and you recognize what appear to be the elements of an Inner Conflict, such as:
As the Inner Parent, whenever you experience anything like this "beyond normal” then you know you are supposed to write it down. This step is so crucial and so basic and so effective. Your purpose, as the Inner Parent, is to get the stressful “inner conversation” out of your head and onto the page.
So, AS SOON AS YOU recognize the above or similar symptoms and realize you might have an Inner Conflict in the making, start writing it down. You MUST get it “out of your head” ASAP and “onto the page.” If you have written it ALL out, and later “hear” still more on that topic, then start again writing this out, exactly as you hear it. Just keep chipping away at it, until it is all really gone.
This step alone will make you feel 80% better. There’s no real way to do this step incorrectly. Just write out exactly the conversation you hear, on opposite sides of the page, (“one part of me says” and the “other part of me says”) until you’ve duplicated and exhausted everything you are hearing inside your brain. Next is the key to this article.
Once it’s out of your head and you read it back, your "Inner Conflict" often sounds like this (to summarize):
No, you suck!
You are stupid!
No, you are stupid!
Everything is your fault!
No, everything is your fault!
Clearly this is "Inner Bashing."
Here is an excerpt of a "real world" example, from a consulting client which went on for pages:
I have had it. i am tired of you, tired of
this messiness. I hope you die so I get rid
of you. What is this dirtiness, the torment
you have done to me. Suffering, suffering, suffering.
torment suffering suffering, suffering. I'm trying to
do something and you are blocking me. What can I do!
Do you think it is an easy scumbag, douchebag!
Do you know what kind of difficulties I'm facing
outside for not to be on the street! There is no one
left that I didn't kiss his ass or his feet for the survival of both.
You are blocking me. You are blocking me
so severely even I cannot make even a little move
or progress that I want to do. Why you don't
allow me even to make a little progress! How can
you know when and how I am
gonna make a progress and you block me right
before it happens?
I gave up my whole personality to provide you
food and bread. I do bootlick my boss in full focus
or when I was looking for a job for you and
for us for not to be hungry. The world is evil.
The world is careless to us, harsh to us people,
all bosses, employers. They don't care about us
if we leave the job.
How do you sense that progress about to start?
How can you be in high-level alert?
Are you waiting for me 24/7 to block that progress?
Therefore, it means you are keeping an eye on
me all the time as a watcher? You are
watching me 24/7 to prevent the energy comes
out in me, to prevent I should not do anything
good for myself or make any progress for myself.
Why life is made so difficult for me. Why nobody
cares about me. You are exactly behaving
like a person who was hired to block me from growing.
They don't care what would happen to us.
Do you know these things? Do you know what's
happening in the world? Do you know what kind of
cruelty happening on Earth! I'm facing with these
cruelties. It is not easy my friend...
There was plenty more, but you get the idea. This is a true “Inner Bashing” in the flesh.
Many of your early attempts at Inner Conflict Resolution will sound like this, but only in the beginning.
Take the following actions as the Inner Parent for any "Inner Bashing":
It is 100% possible to end Inner Bashings forever using this technique. You just need to become aware of them in the first place. Doing this over a short period of time can really cause a lot of peace within your Inner Conversations which is nice! There is no positive upside to an Inner Bashing other than getting rid of it makes you feel better.
Now, whenever your Inner Conflict symptoms start up again, use the 8-steps. If it turns out to be an Inner Bashing, simply stop it. If you have a true Inner Conflict the whole 8-Step process will work like a charm. Once you've stopped "Inner Bashings" forever, you'll only have Inner Conflicts left.
Basically, you can’t get to your Inner Conflicts until you've stopped the "Inner Bashings." Once you’ve stopped Inner Bashing enough times, you’ll recognize it quickly (it has a certain "feeling") and let it go even faster. If you have an actual Inner Conflict, you’ll see that there are a specific set of needs on both sides, which need to be resolved with the 8-Steps before the problem goes away. Now, you are really are working on an Inner Conflict.
Hope this helps,
John K. Pollard, III